Ugly Side

I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
Not my ugly side

--

Axel looked at his hands, both of them shaking with fear and anger.  He leaned against the column next to him, forcing air in and out of his clenching lungs.  His throat constricted and he could barely see through the tears.  They blurred his vision and he held back a sob, pressing his palms to his emerald eyes, trying to force the salty tears back down.  They stung.  They stung even more than his heart.  His tight black pants restricted some of his movement, and he only slid part way down the column.  His thin lips quivered and suddenly he couldn't hold back anymore.  A choked sob broke past his lips and he felt his cheeks dampening as the tears began to flow.  His red hair was messy and more unkempt than usual.  He tore at his black roots, crying out in frustration with himself.  He stomped his boot clad feet, tossing himself to the side so his denim jacket flew out behind him.  He squatted to the ground, his head between his knees and his backside pressing to the column as he held his head, crying harder and harder.  He couldn't believe what he had done.  He just couldn't.

--

Roxas lay on the ground, still wary to move.  He had heard the footsteps fade a long time ago, but he was still afraid.  As he lay, Roxas tried to think of what had prompted Axel to be this way.  Why was he so violent?  As much pain as it caused him to be with Axel, he loved the man.  He loved him so much, sometimes it hurt emotionally to see the man so upset.  Breathing in a shallow breath, Roxas stood and slowly walked to the bathroom.  His blonde hair still stuck to his forehead from the sweat, and he felt bruising forming.  He stripped and climbed into the shower.  The blonde contemplated his love, again.  How much more could take?

--

Axel didn't go back home.  He never did.  Maybe breaking routine would've made Roxas happy, but the redhead was too nervous.  Not only that, he had somewhere to be.  Somewhere that would help Roxas.  Axel's long legs took him to the council building and he grabbed a form, heading to room 381.  When he got to the room, he sat in a metal folding chair outside the door.  His eyes were still red and he wiped them, hoping to look calmer and more together than he was.  He waited 30 minutes until a man walked up to the door.  When Axel looked up at him, he began to cry again.  The man had blonde hair and blue eyes, just like Roxas.  When the man looked back, Axel held his head in his hands and sobbed.  The man knelt beside him and gripped his shoulder.

"Are you here for comfort?" The man's voice was soft and reassuring.  Axel nodded.  "Then don't worry.  We'll talk to someone about protecting you from your abuser and we'll—"

"I wasn't abused," Axel gasped out.  "I'm the abuser." The man seemed to retreat and Axel became desperate.  He gripped the man's wrist, gently, but the man still grimaced.  Axel pulled away and held his head.  "Oh god, please forgive me....  Please, please...."  The man didn't move and Axel jutted his wrists out at him, looking up at the blonde with teary, broken eyes.  "Put me away."

"I can't do that," the man sighed.  "Come in, I guess." He unlocked the door and let Axel inside.  The blonde's judgement of this man was immediately changed when Axel shuffled in, nervous and scared.  Other abusers the man had seen were confident and cocky, never really regretting what they did.  "I'm Cloud.  I'd like to know what happened.  Or, what's been happening."  And Axel did.  He spilled everything to Cloud.  The man wasn't as repulsed as Axel thought he would be.  Cloud just told him everything he needed to do to console Roxas and make things right.  For starters, Axel needed to go home.

--

Roxas lay in their bedroom.  He was ready to tell Axel he was done.  He loved the man, but he couldn't take it anymore.  Roxas wasn't so sure he could help his lover at all.  The door opened and Roxas sat up, surprised.  He saw Axel there and when the man went over he flinched away.  Roxas was slightly concerned when Axel didn't use his usual tactic of giving Roxas affection, so he looked up at Axel.  The redhead was looking down at him and holding a bunch of pamphlets.  Axel thrust them at Roxas, who cautiously took them.

-My Partner Hits Me
-What do I do if I am Being Abused?
-Helping Them to Stop

"W-What are these?" Roxas stammered.  Axel sniffed and wiped his nose.

"Pamphlets.  Because I'm done.  I don't want to hurt you anymore," Axel said, his voice low and hoarse.  "I'm getting help too now.  I'm going to get therapy from Cloud, a volunteer at the council building, so I can stop."  Roxas just stared at him, his eyes wide.  Axel began to deflate.  "Oh god, no.  You made the decision to leave, didn't you?" Axel choked up when Roxas nodded.  With a shaky hand, Axel reached out for the pamphlets.  "T-Then y-you won't need those."

"Axe." Roxas held the pamphlets to him and grabbed Axel's hand.  "Are you serious about getting help?" Axel nodded.

"I am, Roxas.  But I cannot keep you with me with just this.  If you have made the decision to leave, it'd be best.  I've hurt you enough.  I can't have this not work and just hurt you more."  Axel once again grabbed for what he wanted, but Roxas chucked them aside and took Axel's hands in his.

"I love you, Axel.  You were so amazing before all this.  I fell in love with you those years ago and I want to know what happened these past few months.  What changed?" Roxas looked at Axel, searching for an answer.

"I lost you," Axel replied.  Roxas tried to protest, but his lover interrupted.  "We were together in the park that day and you disappeared!  When I found you again, you were with a brown haired man our age!  I later found out he was your friend from high school, but I just couldn't help myself!  I love you so much and the thought of losing you has made me so insecure that I...." Roxas kissed Axel's lips.

"Axel, you know I love you.  I want to be with you, alright?  But," Roxas lifted Axel's chin, "I need some time.  When you are better, I'll know and I will be waiting.  Until then, I am going to need to be alone.  We can be friends, ok?" Axel nodded and embraced Roxas.

"I'll get better, I promise."

--

Axel sat in front of his Christmas tree, gripping the photograph he had gotten from Roxas.  He had already lit the candle that Roxas had sent, enjoying the smell of melting wax and fire.  In the picture, Roxas was holding the hand of a blonde haired girl who was kissing his cheek.  Axel smiled, but couldn't hold back the tears.  He leaned his head back and breathed, not jumping to conclusions.  He could not just assume that Roxas was now with her, but if that was the case he would accept it.  He read the note and bit his lip.

Please come to our wedding.

"I don't know if I can make it, Roxas," Axel said to himself.  "I think I'll be attending my own funeral."  And Axel blew out the candle.

--

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm between the moon and where you are
I know I can't be far

~~~